The Oxford dictionary defines the word forgive as “to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake”.
Forgiveness can mean different things to different people. Generally, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.
As a child, I don’t ever remember anyone ever talking to me about forgiveness. In all honesty I don’t think I ever even considered that word in my vocabulary. Anger and hate, I could relate to. I knew those words all too well. I understood wanting to get revenge on the people who had hurt me. People who failed to protect me, those are the ones that fueled my hate and anger.
I don’t ever remember not being abused as a child, whether it was mentally, physically, or sexually. If it wasn’t by my mother, it was by her boyfriends or men she had married. The first 14 years of my life were filled with violence of every degree. There was no one to tell, no one to help, there was no safe place to hide. I had a couple of aunts (my mom’s sisters) that had no idea what I was going through, and back then we did not tell anyone. Upon occasion, my mother would let me stay with one of them, and that was the only time I ever remember feeling safe.
My mother had a knack for picking bad men, who in turn took it upon themselves to abuse me. If I wasn’t being molested, they would beat me and my brothers. I remember being whipped with a cat of nine tails, because I didn’t wash a dish correctly. I was young enough that I had to stand on a chair to even reach the sink. This one particular man I truly believe his daily goal was to hurt me. We lived way out in the country, and he would invite his buddies over and give me alcohol, and for 10 dollars they could do whatever they wanted to do to me. That was my life. abuse on top of abuse. It didn’t matter if she broke up with him, because the next one still abused me, maybe not as bad as the previous one but the abuse continued and continued. I would tell myself that when I get old enough to leave I was out of there and I would never ever go back. That time came at the age of 14. I left, never to go back.
I wish I could say there were some good memories that could have filled in the gaps, but I don’t have any. I always believed I wasn’t wanted and that my mother hated me. From her actions she made me believe it even more. I just wanted to get away from it all, and never remember anything again. So at 14, I left and moved in with my dad and his family. My parents divorced when I was three and she never allowed him into my life. So, he was a complete stranger to me. I was a complete stranger to him as well.
I was a hot mess of a teenager. I wasn’t being abused any longer but now I was a very angry teenager with absolutely no one to tell about what I had lived through. So, I began drinking, doing drugs and fighting, because now I was just angry at the whole world and pretty much hated everyone.
In 9th grade I had a principal that told me I needed to play a sport and that it might help me release some of my anger. So, I started playing soccer. Surprisingly it helped with some of the anger and helped me not to choose drugs or alcohol because my coach said she would kick me off the team if she found out. It was my saving grace at that time because I was accepted, and I was encouraged and felt like I belonged. The anger wasn’t raging through me like before, but it was still there, and even through I tried my hardest, I never could put that flame out completely. I was now using sex as an outlet because Coach didn’t tell me not to have sex. You would think that being so sexually abused, that would be the last thing on my mind. In my mind it was just something I had to do; it was expected of me. There were no emotions tied to it at all. Just anger.
I joined the Navy immediately after high school. I did great through boot camp. I was a team leader even though I was the youngest in my unit. I was a leader, I was accepted and again I felt the anger subside. After graduation I was stationed in California and being in California in the late 70s at 18 years old was not conducive to help with my deep issues. Now all of a sudden, I had complete freedom. I could do whatever I chose to do. If I wanted to party all night long, I did. All I had to do was show up to work five days a week. As you can imagine, that didn’t work out at all in my favor. Now, I’m going to jump way ahead in this story because it’s about forgiving what you can’t forget, and how Jesus totally changed my life.
I got saved in a little Baptist church in Garland Texas, during a revival. All I know was that I didn’t want to burn in hell. So when the pastor gave the call, I went forward and so did my husband at the time. (I told you I was jumping way ahead) this was probably 1984. I went a few times to church but could never get locked in. In 1987, I went to a church in Peoria, Illinois and got saved again, but this time something shifted inside me, something was different. That night I slept through the night, something I had NEVER done. Most of my sexual abuse happened at night so I was crippled by fear. God instantly delivered me of fear, and I had no idea what He had done. I just knew I could sleep at night. A few weeks later I was filled with the Holy Ghost and spoke in tongues. Little did I know what God had planned for me.
I met a wonderful lady and her family at that church that took me under her wing, they actually moved me and my two sons into their home, and just loved us. I had major trust issues, and even though she knew some of my past, I didn’t tell her everything. She would tell me “Now you have to forgive the people who have hurt you, and let God heal you.” She was right, but I had no idea how to even do that, not to mention the fact that I still hated all of them.
I want to say this, the Father will never force you to do anything until you are ready, and I wasn’t ready, and it was ok. Many times, when I thought I had forgiven people and released them, I would find myself being that angry little girl, wondering why no one saved me, why no one helped me. Then a new thought came. Why did God allow that stuff to happen to me? Remember, I knew absolutely nothing about church or God. We would go to church for a funeral or to get food. My mother was Catholic then later Lutheran, but we did not go to church and did not ever talk about God.
I found myself wondering why God let this happen? I know now that we have a free will, and I had a very wise woman say to me, if they knew what they were doing and how it hurt you, they wouldn’t have done it. I think that might have brought some comfort to me. I had decided years ago that I would not be a victim of my circumstances, but I would be a victor, I would be different and be a good mom to my kids.
The Father doesn’t force us to forgive people. His Word tells us to forgive but it’s up to us to purpose in our hearts to forgive. He knows when we are ready, and He knows exactly how to bring it about. He can do it instantly and, in some things, it was instant. Other things I have had to walk out and allow the Father to show me what needs healing. I have given Him permission to shine the light on my heart because I don’t want anything hidden.
I have been a born-again, spirit-filled believer for over 30 years and over the last couple of years the Lord has walked me through forgiveness. By allowing Him to do it, it then allows me to move in a freedom I’ve never known before. I’ve had people say to me, “I’ve forgiven them, but I will never forget what they did.” Let me say I was that person, how can I forget? The truth is I might not ever forget what happened to me, but the difference is there’s no more pain or anything associated with that memory. That, my friends, is freedom, and that’s a freedom that can ONLY come by forgiving… forgiving like your life depends on it, because it truly does. True forgiveness brings life, and it is a wonderful thing to walk in the freedom that comes from forgiving. I would encourage you to get in His presence and let the Father guide you through it, because in His presence it’s easy.
Father, I ask that every person who reads this will surrender completely to you and allow you to search their hearts. I pray that they will let You shine the light on any area that’s been hidden or hard to face. Father, I ask that you give them the strength to face it and allow You to walk them through the hard places because when you do it, it’s easy. I ask that you bring complete freedom in every area, in Jesus’ name, Amen!
Ephesians 4:31-32 (AMPC) “Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath passion, rage, bad temper and resentment anger, animosity and quarreling brawling, clamor, contention and slander evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language be banished from you, with all malice spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind. And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted, forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you.”
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Forgiveness can mean different things to different people. Generally, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.
As a child, I don’t ever remember anyone ever talking to me about forgiveness. In all honesty I don’t think I ever even considered that word in my vocabulary. Anger and hate, I could relate to. I knew those words all too well. I understood wanting to get revenge on the people who had hurt me. People who failed to protect me, those are the ones that fueled my hate and anger.
I don’t ever remember not being abused as a child, whether it was mentally, physically, or sexually. If it wasn’t by my mother, it was by her boyfriends or men she had married. The first 14 years of my life were filled with violence of every degree. There was no one to tell, no one to help, there was no safe place to hide. I had a couple of aunts (my mom’s sisters) that had no idea what I was going through, and back then we did not tell anyone. Upon occasion, my mother would let me stay with one of them, and that was the only time I ever remember feeling safe.
My mother had a knack for picking bad men, who in turn took it upon themselves to abuse me. If I wasn’t being molested, they would beat me and my brothers. I remember being whipped with a cat of nine tails, because I didn’t wash a dish correctly. I was young enough that I had to stand on a chair to even reach the sink. This one particular man I truly believe his daily goal was to hurt me. We lived way out in the country, and he would invite his buddies over and give me alcohol, and for 10 dollars they could do whatever they wanted to do to me. That was my life. abuse on top of abuse. It didn’t matter if she broke up with him, because the next one still abused me, maybe not as bad as the previous one but the abuse continued and continued. I would tell myself that when I get old enough to leave I was out of there and I would never ever go back. That time came at the age of 14. I left, never to go back.
I wish I could say there were some good memories that could have filled in the gaps, but I don’t have any. I always believed I wasn’t wanted and that my mother hated me. From her actions she made me believe it even more. I just wanted to get away from it all, and never remember anything again. So at 14, I left and moved in with my dad and his family. My parents divorced when I was three and she never allowed him into my life. So, he was a complete stranger to me. I was a complete stranger to him as well.
I was a hot mess of a teenager. I wasn’t being abused any longer but now I was a very angry teenager with absolutely no one to tell about what I had lived through. So, I began drinking, doing drugs and fighting, because now I was just angry at the whole world and pretty much hated everyone.
In 9th grade I had a principal that told me I needed to play a sport and that it might help me release some of my anger. So, I started playing soccer. Surprisingly it helped with some of the anger and helped me not to choose drugs or alcohol because my coach said she would kick me off the team if she found out. It was my saving grace at that time because I was accepted, and I was encouraged and felt like I belonged. The anger wasn’t raging through me like before, but it was still there, and even through I tried my hardest, I never could put that flame out completely. I was now using sex as an outlet because Coach didn’t tell me not to have sex. You would think that being so sexually abused, that would be the last thing on my mind. In my mind it was just something I had to do; it was expected of me. There were no emotions tied to it at all. Just anger.
I joined the Navy immediately after high school. I did great through boot camp. I was a team leader even though I was the youngest in my unit. I was a leader, I was accepted and again I felt the anger subside. After graduation I was stationed in California and being in California in the late 70s at 18 years old was not conducive to help with my deep issues. Now all of a sudden, I had complete freedom. I could do whatever I chose to do. If I wanted to party all night long, I did. All I had to do was show up to work five days a week. As you can imagine, that didn’t work out at all in my favor. Now, I’m going to jump way ahead in this story because it’s about forgiving what you can’t forget, and how Jesus totally changed my life.
I got saved in a little Baptist church in Garland Texas, during a revival. All I know was that I didn’t want to burn in hell. So when the pastor gave the call, I went forward and so did my husband at the time. (I told you I was jumping way ahead) this was probably 1984. I went a few times to church but could never get locked in. In 1987, I went to a church in Peoria, Illinois and got saved again, but this time something shifted inside me, something was different. That night I slept through the night, something I had NEVER done. Most of my sexual abuse happened at night so I was crippled by fear. God instantly delivered me of fear, and I had no idea what He had done. I just knew I could sleep at night. A few weeks later I was filled with the Holy Ghost and spoke in tongues. Little did I know what God had planned for me.
I met a wonderful lady and her family at that church that took me under her wing, they actually moved me and my two sons into their home, and just loved us. I had major trust issues, and even though she knew some of my past, I didn’t tell her everything. She would tell me “Now you have to forgive the people who have hurt you, and let God heal you.” She was right, but I had no idea how to even do that, not to mention the fact that I still hated all of them.
I want to say this, the Father will never force you to do anything until you are ready, and I wasn’t ready, and it was ok. Many times, when I thought I had forgiven people and released them, I would find myself being that angry little girl, wondering why no one saved me, why no one helped me. Then a new thought came. Why did God allow that stuff to happen to me? Remember, I knew absolutely nothing about church or God. We would go to church for a funeral or to get food. My mother was Catholic then later Lutheran, but we did not go to church and did not ever talk about God.
I found myself wondering why God let this happen? I know now that we have a free will, and I had a very wise woman say to me, if they knew what they were doing and how it hurt you, they wouldn’t have done it. I think that might have brought some comfort to me. I had decided years ago that I would not be a victim of my circumstances, but I would be a victor, I would be different and be a good mom to my kids.
The Father doesn’t force us to forgive people. His Word tells us to forgive but it’s up to us to purpose in our hearts to forgive. He knows when we are ready, and He knows exactly how to bring it about. He can do it instantly and, in some things, it was instant. Other things I have had to walk out and allow the Father to show me what needs healing. I have given Him permission to shine the light on my heart because I don’t want anything hidden.
I have been a born-again, spirit-filled believer for over 30 years and over the last couple of years the Lord has walked me through forgiveness. By allowing Him to do it, it then allows me to move in a freedom I’ve never known before. I’ve had people say to me, “I’ve forgiven them, but I will never forget what they did.” Let me say I was that person, how can I forget? The truth is I might not ever forget what happened to me, but the difference is there’s no more pain or anything associated with that memory. That, my friends, is freedom, and that’s a freedom that can ONLY come by forgiving… forgiving like your life depends on it, because it truly does. True forgiveness brings life, and it is a wonderful thing to walk in the freedom that comes from forgiving. I would encourage you to get in His presence and let the Father guide you through it, because in His presence it’s easy.
Father, I ask that every person who reads this will surrender completely to you and allow you to search their hearts. I pray that they will let You shine the light on any area that’s been hidden or hard to face. Father, I ask that you give them the strength to face it and allow You to walk them through the hard places because when you do it, it’s easy. I ask that you bring complete freedom in every area, in Jesus’ name, Amen!
Ephesians 4:31-32 (AMPC) “Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath passion, rage, bad temper and resentment anger, animosity and quarreling brawling, clamor, contention and slander evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language be banished from you, with all malice spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind. And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted, forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you.”
_____________________________________
Pam Jackson is an ordained minister and serves on the Prophetic Council at Fullness in Christ Church. She served in the U.S. Navy for four years and has a Land Management degree from The University of Houston and a Liberal Arts degree from Eastern Oklahoma State College. She and her husband Skip have three children and nine grandchildren.