“See to it that no one falls short of God’s grace; that no root of resentment springs up and causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;” (Hebrews 12:15 AMP)
Last month, in the article about successful marriage, April Bohlin made a powerful thoughtful statement. She said the key to a good marriage is “Don’t be a jerk.” (If you haven’t read that article in the September issue, I recommend you do so.) When I think of how to handle offense, what I would say in one statement is, “Let it go.”
Holding onto an offense does nothing but cause trouble. If it festers into anger and bitterness, it separates family and friends who once loved and cared for each other.
We have all been offended at some time. We have all offended others. Many times, probably most of the time, an offense is unintentional. The offending person may not even be aware of it. Often offense occurs when an individual or family is going through a particularly stressful time and emotions are on edge. It is a good time to “let it go.” What good does it do to harbor it, dwelling on how it made you feel. If you don’t let it go, you will become more angry and bitter. You will not want to be around the person. You will begin to speak negatively about them and thus fulfill the Scripture “many will be defiled.” Those around you will pick up your offense and soon they will join you and will not want to be around the one who offended you. They may even begin speaking against that person as well. Many are then defiled by your anger.
When you “let it go,” it does not mean you are excusing the behavior. Letting it go does not justify the behavior of the offender. It releases you from the negative emotions.
For some reason, a place where offense often occurs is in church. What happens when a father gets offended at church. Instead of “letting it go,” he goes home and begins to speak negatively about the church, the pastor, the leadership and whoever or whatever offended him. His children, who love church, hear all that. It is not long until the attitude of those children begins to change. They are no longer excited about going to church. They want to stay home with that father who is still offended and angry and no longer attends church. They have been defiled and may or may not ever go to church again. It is because a father would not “let it go.”
Last month, in the article about successful marriage, April Bohlin made a powerful thoughtful statement. She said the key to a good marriage is “Don’t be a jerk.” (If you haven’t read that article in the September issue, I recommend you do so.) When I think of how to handle offense, what I would say in one statement is, “Let it go.”
Holding onto an offense does nothing but cause trouble. If it festers into anger and bitterness, it separates family and friends who once loved and cared for each other.
We have all been offended at some time. We have all offended others. Many times, probably most of the time, an offense is unintentional. The offending person may not even be aware of it. Often offense occurs when an individual or family is going through a particularly stressful time and emotions are on edge. It is a good time to “let it go.” What good does it do to harbor it, dwelling on how it made you feel. If you don’t let it go, you will become more angry and bitter. You will not want to be around the person. You will begin to speak negatively about them and thus fulfill the Scripture “many will be defiled.” Those around you will pick up your offense and soon they will join you and will not want to be around the one who offended you. They may even begin speaking against that person as well. Many are then defiled by your anger.
When you “let it go,” it does not mean you are excusing the behavior. Letting it go does not justify the behavior of the offender. It releases you from the negative emotions.
For some reason, a place where offense often occurs is in church. What happens when a father gets offended at church. Instead of “letting it go,” he goes home and begins to speak negatively about the church, the pastor, the leadership and whoever or whatever offended him. His children, who love church, hear all that. It is not long until the attitude of those children begins to change. They are no longer excited about going to church. They want to stay home with that father who is still offended and angry and no longer attends church. They have been defiled and may or may not ever go to church again. It is because a father would not “let it go.”
Offenses and unforgiveness separate family members and friends. Family members once close in loving relationships refuse to speak to each other because of words or actions that they consider are “unforgiveable.” When an offense is not forgiven quickly, it becomes harder and harder to restore the relationship. It is sad to see this happen.
Once when staying in someone’s home, I broke a special item in the home. The owner could have been angry. Instead, she said, “My relationship of friendship with you is more important than that item.” I’ve never forgotten that and have remembered it when I had opportunity to be offended by something someone said or did. As hard as it sometimes is, when there is opportunity, or even legitimate reason, we must choose the relationship over the offense if that relationship is important to us.
The writer of Hebrews gives helpful instruction concerning letting go of offense. When we understand the meaning of the words in the original language, it gives us an understanding of what we must do and why.
What the writer of Hebrews says to us is,
“See to it that no one falls short of God’s grace; that no root of resentment springs up and causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.” (Hebrews 12:15 AMP).
Once when staying in someone’s home, I broke a special item in the home. The owner could have been angry. Instead, she said, “My relationship of friendship with you is more important than that item.” I’ve never forgotten that and have remembered it when I had opportunity to be offended by something someone said or did. As hard as it sometimes is, when there is opportunity, or even legitimate reason, we must choose the relationship over the offense if that relationship is important to us.
The writer of Hebrews gives helpful instruction concerning letting go of offense. When we understand the meaning of the words in the original language, it gives us an understanding of what we must do and why.
What the writer of Hebrews says to us is,
“See to it that no one falls short of God’s grace; that no root of resentment springs up and causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.” (Hebrews 12:15 AMP).
Bible teacher Rick Renner says this is one of the most powerful verses in the New Testament. The basic meaning here is that we are the “bishops,” the overseers of our own hearts. It is our responsibility to watch, direct, guide, correct and give oversight to what goes on inside of us. Rick Renner, Sparkling Gems from the Greek. (Tulsa: Teach All Nations, 2003) P 638.
We have the responsibility to decide how we will respond to an offense, whether or not the offense was intentional. Why should you allow something someone else said or did or failed to do determine the rest of your life? We have a choice. What the offender says or does really doesn’t matter. God will hold them responsible for what they said or did. That is His job, not yours. However, He will hold us responsible for our thoughts and actions. It is our response to the offense that determines our future peace or turmoil.
The writer in Hebrews goes on to warn us not to allow a root of bitterness to take root in us and from that root a tree grows that does not bear good fruit. This happens if we don’t let go of the offense quickly. When that tree of bitterness takes root, we stop going to family events. We leave the church. We no longer want to be with that former “best friend.” We cannot find much good to say about that person and we don’t want to be around them. In fact, we can only think of negative things to say. That is when the offense has taken root and our unforgiveness defiles others.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with the offender. You do not need to go to an offender and tell them you have forgiven them. They may or may not even be aware of the offense. Trust God to deal with them. Forgiveness is something that happens in your heart and mind. Get with God – alone so you are not tempted to speak negatively about the person to someone else. Ask God to remove that tree of bitterness by its root. It will set you free.
I have three younger siblings. I’ve apologized to them many times for being self-centered as we were growing up. As the oldest among us, I could have been much more supportive. I can think of too many times when I said or did things that could have been offensive to them. When I apologize for my self-centeredness, they act like they don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m sure they would not have to think very hard to remember some offensive things I said or did, but without exception, they have “let it go” and forgiven me. My heart is filled with thankfulness for that. As adult siblings, we are very close. We really care for each other. Are there times we have had to forgive and let things go? Yes, of course. We are human and we sometimes don’t say or do the right things. We have agreed forgiveness will come quickly and nothing will separate us from the love we have for each other and that includes their spouses.
I recently read again the book of Genesis. The story of Esau and Jacob tells a powerful story of forgiveness. What Jacob did to his brother was a serious offense. It was so serious that Jacob, fearing for his life, left home. After twenty years, God spoke to him telling him to go back home. He was understandably fearful of the reception he expected. When he was on the journey back home, his offended brother Esau greeted Jacob with a big hug and a kiss of restoration. It is really a beautiful story of forgiveness. Esau greeted Jacob with total love and acceptance. It is important to note that Jacob did not deserve it, but Esau forgave him and welcomed him home literally with arms wide open.
Also in Genesis is the great account of forgiveness found in the story of Joseph. Joseph’s jealous brothers did a horrible thing to their younger brother. They sold him to Ishmaelite slave traders. As a slave in Egypt, Joseph was falsely accused and spent many years in prison. Wherever Joseph found himself, God gave him favor. Because of what his brothers did, he could have become an angry bitter man, bent on revenge when given the opportunity. Instead, he kept his eyes on God and God took care of him, giving him wisdom. After twenty-two years, Joseph saw the brothers who had wronged him. They did not recognize this brother who looked more like an Egyptian ruler than their Hebrew brother. Though he tested them to see if the evil was still in their hearts, Joseph had no desire for revenge. Revealing himself to his brothers, he said, “You meant what you did for evil, but God meant it for good.” God was in control and when Joseph cooperated with Him, God was able to use him to save the entire nation of Israel. What would have happened if he had harbored the offense and had become an angry and bitter man who wanted revenge?
We have all offended others, and we have all been offended. I recently saw an advertisement for a book entitled “Unoffendable.” That is what we must become. In this broken world, we will have the opportunity to be offended. We must “let it go” whether the offense is intentional or not. If we don’t, it will eat at us and eventually destroy us and the lives of others.
Being offended is a choice. Make the choice to be “unoffendable.” Let it go. If it has gone too far, ask God to dig out the bitter root that will eventually destroy you and those around you. What is inside you will eventually come out. If the freedom and joy of Jesus rules your heart, that is what comes from your mouth. Allow Jesus to cleanse you from all unforgiveness and let joy spring forth.
It is inevitable. You will have the opportunity to be offended. We are human and none of us will be perfect as long as we live in this world. Determine ahead of time that every offense will be like water flowing off a duck’s back. Determine ahead of time that you will “let it go.” Make the choice not to be offended. Be unoffendable. The relationship with that family member or that friend is much more valuable than the offense. Esau and Jacob were separated for twenty years before they were reunited. Joseph’s family was not reunited for almost twenty years. Don’t let that happen. Don’t poison the minds of your children against the church and against God because of an offense you won’t forgive. Their lives and future may depend on it. Don’t speak against others because of an offense. People don’t want to hear it. Let it go and be at peace.
_________________________________
We have the responsibility to decide how we will respond to an offense, whether or not the offense was intentional. Why should you allow something someone else said or did or failed to do determine the rest of your life? We have a choice. What the offender says or does really doesn’t matter. God will hold them responsible for what they said or did. That is His job, not yours. However, He will hold us responsible for our thoughts and actions. It is our response to the offense that determines our future peace or turmoil.
The writer in Hebrews goes on to warn us not to allow a root of bitterness to take root in us and from that root a tree grows that does not bear good fruit. This happens if we don’t let go of the offense quickly. When that tree of bitterness takes root, we stop going to family events. We leave the church. We no longer want to be with that former “best friend.” We cannot find much good to say about that person and we don’t want to be around them. In fact, we can only think of negative things to say. That is when the offense has taken root and our unforgiveness defiles others.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with the offender. You do not need to go to an offender and tell them you have forgiven them. They may or may not even be aware of the offense. Trust God to deal with them. Forgiveness is something that happens in your heart and mind. Get with God – alone so you are not tempted to speak negatively about the person to someone else. Ask God to remove that tree of bitterness by its root. It will set you free.
I have three younger siblings. I’ve apologized to them many times for being self-centered as we were growing up. As the oldest among us, I could have been much more supportive. I can think of too many times when I said or did things that could have been offensive to them. When I apologize for my self-centeredness, they act like they don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m sure they would not have to think very hard to remember some offensive things I said or did, but without exception, they have “let it go” and forgiven me. My heart is filled with thankfulness for that. As adult siblings, we are very close. We really care for each other. Are there times we have had to forgive and let things go? Yes, of course. We are human and we sometimes don’t say or do the right things. We have agreed forgiveness will come quickly and nothing will separate us from the love we have for each other and that includes their spouses.
I recently read again the book of Genesis. The story of Esau and Jacob tells a powerful story of forgiveness. What Jacob did to his brother was a serious offense. It was so serious that Jacob, fearing for his life, left home. After twenty years, God spoke to him telling him to go back home. He was understandably fearful of the reception he expected. When he was on the journey back home, his offended brother Esau greeted Jacob with a big hug and a kiss of restoration. It is really a beautiful story of forgiveness. Esau greeted Jacob with total love and acceptance. It is important to note that Jacob did not deserve it, but Esau forgave him and welcomed him home literally with arms wide open.
Also in Genesis is the great account of forgiveness found in the story of Joseph. Joseph’s jealous brothers did a horrible thing to their younger brother. They sold him to Ishmaelite slave traders. As a slave in Egypt, Joseph was falsely accused and spent many years in prison. Wherever Joseph found himself, God gave him favor. Because of what his brothers did, he could have become an angry bitter man, bent on revenge when given the opportunity. Instead, he kept his eyes on God and God took care of him, giving him wisdom. After twenty-two years, Joseph saw the brothers who had wronged him. They did not recognize this brother who looked more like an Egyptian ruler than their Hebrew brother. Though he tested them to see if the evil was still in their hearts, Joseph had no desire for revenge. Revealing himself to his brothers, he said, “You meant what you did for evil, but God meant it for good.” God was in control and when Joseph cooperated with Him, God was able to use him to save the entire nation of Israel. What would have happened if he had harbored the offense and had become an angry and bitter man who wanted revenge?
We have all offended others, and we have all been offended. I recently saw an advertisement for a book entitled “Unoffendable.” That is what we must become. In this broken world, we will have the opportunity to be offended. We must “let it go” whether the offense is intentional or not. If we don’t, it will eat at us and eventually destroy us and the lives of others.
Being offended is a choice. Make the choice to be “unoffendable.” Let it go. If it has gone too far, ask God to dig out the bitter root that will eventually destroy you and those around you. What is inside you will eventually come out. If the freedom and joy of Jesus rules your heart, that is what comes from your mouth. Allow Jesus to cleanse you from all unforgiveness and let joy spring forth.
It is inevitable. You will have the opportunity to be offended. We are human and none of us will be perfect as long as we live in this world. Determine ahead of time that every offense will be like water flowing off a duck’s back. Determine ahead of time that you will “let it go.” Make the choice not to be offended. Be unoffendable. The relationship with that family member or that friend is much more valuable than the offense. Esau and Jacob were separated for twenty years before they were reunited. Joseph’s family was not reunited for almost twenty years. Don’t let that happen. Don’t poison the minds of your children against the church and against God because of an offense you won’t forgive. Their lives and future may depend on it. Don’t speak against others because of an offense. People don’t want to hear it. Let it go and be at peace.
_________________________________
Kathy Bohlin serves as Elder at Fullness and oversees the children’s ministry. She has a desire to see the world changed through education. She also serves as the Director of Philippine missions for Fullness in Christ Ministries and administrates the outreach to several orphanages and pastors around the world. She has dedicated her life to reaching the world for Christ!